The Code...

Face it, my friends. There is a darkness in Gor, a plague running rampant amongst the common folk. I am talking, of course, about the unspoken but once-adhered to bro-code of Gor. There was a time, of course, when the bro-code was followed, and those honorable elders held it up as a paradigm of what it meant to be Gorean. These damn kids, however, have taken this ancient pact and thrown it to the kalba, then stomped on it. It is time to educate the youth of today about the honor of the past. You might question the validity of a woman writing a bro code, but the code is for all, and I simply have transcribed it, as I know best, from the ancient Gorean texts of the Kings of Rhole Plae, of the old Gorean Kingdon.

Without further ado, I present you the bro-code of Gor, restored, as best as our scribes were able.

The first rule in the book:

1. If a slave has a name like lure, trap catch or bait, then they aren't the best to steal. As they say in Star Wars "IT'S A TRAP!"

Addendums

a. If you fail to steal a slave, and are downed, don't throw a temper tantrum.  Theft is wrong in any alternate reality, kids.

b. If you get killed, later for stealing a slave, don't scream "MOD" or "UNGOREAN" It's in the books. I KNOW nobody has read them, but still, trust me on this. 

2. Slaves, you could be his girlfriend, mistress, dog, pony, parrot or sentient sofa in RL or OOC, but please for the love of GOD stop trying to be all of the above in role-play.

Addendums

a. If you let her treat you like a pretty pretty princess, men, then odds are you should just give it up, get down on your knees and hail Verna, panther-wench leash-holder of the chain of pussy whipped.

b. Baby talk is demeaning. Pedophiles are into that shit. Seriously, who finds that attractive? I bet every guy walks out of his house in the morning saying "Damn, I wanna find me a woman who talks like a six year old and wears pigtails and fucktons of pink. That's not sinister at all!"

3. Ferals, I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you figure out how to walk like a normal person, and stop talking like a monkey with an anal fissure, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not persue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Addendum

a. So you can talk in third person but barely grasp the grammatical sense that God gave a retarded gnat, you crawl around on all fours all day, but somehow keep the treasure-trove of beads and bones and trinkets you wear clean, and generally were raised by wild giani in the backstreets of fuck-all southern jungle? I don't even have the patience left to try and make a joke out of this.

4. Bonds. You are a Gorean slave, not a free woman that gets to dress sluttily, so stop acting like it. Jesus Christ on a deep-fried taco do you guys misunderstand your roles. Also, back to the accents thing? Northerners talk with an accent, I get it. I do not need you to type out some garbled ass Morgul chant which I have to put through my cereal box ring to decipher into any recognizable form of English.

5. Infidelity. Gorean men, I know that women of all kinds, free or slave have been unlocking their privates to your rugged charm since time and mesh-hair unmemorable, but Brantley Gilbert has a word of warning to all you would be woo-ers. "Stay away from other boy's women, that's a damn good way for a man to get it wooped down here"

Addendum

a. Who is fucking who is generally 98% of what anyone talks about in Gor. Someone will find out, everyone will hear about it. The romance will die and you will have to pay e-alimony to all those prim babies that may or may not be yours. And there is no Gorean Maury Povitch, so think before you poke the pink.

6. Free Woman. Give it up and wear the burka already.

Addendum.

a. Free women were not sweet, snuggly, adorable things with names like Baby, or Snuggles (Yes I have seen one of those). They were virulent women who took no leeway from men or shit from slaves for fear of being collared. They had names like Talena, which sounds like Talon, and TALONS REND THE FLESH OFF OF BODIES.

a i. That is not to say that free women weren't respectful to men, but you can be respectful and a total cunt at the same time, which is what Gorean free women did. What they DIDN'T do was spend time pouring bagfuls of sugar on the heads of barely competent kajira who fawned over "De pretti dressies" or called them "Sistress" (If you have ever been called Sistress, please just give up and take a collar. I feel you would be happier).

b. Attire. If I can see your cleavage and you are not a red hunter in your native lands I am going to have to ask you to take a knee, kick back, find a necklace, and come be the most recent on the chain of undersexed harpies that seems to gravitate towards every owner I have.

(Exception being Jayden Maurer)

7. Free Men. There once was a time when honor meant something. Where the words alone of a man who followed the codes were accepted, for honor was not bought or borne lightly. What the fuck happened?

Addendum.

a. Men of Gor have become, if possible, more catty than the free woman. Every guy is trying to end a relationship, juggling multiple women, and playing more mind games than Freud. Just give it up already. I live in Seattle, if I wanted to see men act like women I would just go up to Capital Hill and hang with the sensitive indie kids. At least they're opened minded.

b. If you spend a lot of time talking about your sheer and encompassing manliness, then you probably aren't manly at all. Odds are heavily stacked against you, actually. If you have Master in your display or Avatar name, give it up, turn in your biking leathers and go be a happy gardener somewhere. We accept you, and you have nothing to prove.

8. GE. Oh christ, where to start…

a. Some of you try, and I love you for it. The rest of you log into an avatar based chat site used as a role-play game and then spurn literacy like it was the plague. If I go to RP at a GE sim they look at me like I am an alien, and somewhere along the line an angry crowd gathers, menacing me with pitchforks and chanting "Burn the witch"

b. RP itself is why we come to the RP SIMS of Second Life. That means storylines, feelings, interests and intrigues. That does not mean quibbling over if someone posted lockpick emotes or if a sentence was nine words or ten. (Lock pick emoting is stupid. The door has a fucking timer on it, you are getting in either way)

c. I don't care who the 'soulmate of the week' is, or who you're 'so in love with' I don't want to hear another speech about how much love sucks when you're with fifty oblivious guys on your various alts. I don't give a single contextual fuck.

d. To quote Kat Williams "If you're stupid the LEAST you should do is try". So why is it that I see the same idiots in the same noob ass drama day after day? Gah. Lose, RP, break up, move on with a little grace and class, but nobody wants to hear the whinging, so get over it and shut the hell up.

e. The gamers. I know you like shooting, but you could take a cap every once in a while. RP may be boring to you, but what's boring to me is the fact that you are actually pathetic be proud that you are one of the 'Best Bows In Gor'. Here's an idea. Drop that bullshit online mystique you cultivate like a multimillion dollar company, go outside, get a tan and meet real people. Because (REALITY CHECK) your accomplishments in here mean nothing. They are hubris, simply.

9. BTB. This list could get extensive pretty fast.

a. Gorean Lifestylers. There is no Gor in real life. Stop calling yourself a Gorean. You appreciate the culture, edicts and ideals, but you can not, will not or shall not ever be Gorean. Get over it.

b. Kennels. I will hate you without reservation for as long as I shall live. I will not call you Master or Mistress in a group chat, or in your IMs or anything similar. I will not turn in note-carded chores that I spew out to indifferent air. I sure as HELL will not kowtow to you trying to sell me off to "members of the city only" because your recruitment base is so low that you can't possible part with an iota of your players. So basically, I will not do kennels.

c. A collar means nothing. Cut it with the idiotic idea that I HAVE To be subservient to you just because you put one on me. You still have to break and train a slave, right? Right.

d. Gorean speech does not include Urth, chilla, or any of these made up bullshits that are spewed stupidly all over Gor. Blackwine was rare out of Thentis, slaves said Tal. In essence, you all talk like GEers and have no right to bitch.

e. Onlineisms in mannerisms are annoying, to say the least. Slaves did not kneel just because a free was within a 20 foot radius, they knelt when ordered or when called into service. Assassins were feared, not dick-jocked, and torturers hid their caste and colors for fear of being murdered.

f. In reality, BTB isn't that much better in GE. There is more RP, but it sucks horribly in most places, and it's just the same stagnant ass cycle of paga serves and furring. Ho-hum pig's bum.

10. Assorted snippets, dedicated to this page by a guest writer

The rest of the code is lovely, but here are just a few key points that I think everyone should scorn just as much as I do.
Kur-human sex
Slaves calling every other collared vagina 'sister'
Tarl McGiganticus of the South
Jarl Torvie the Topless of the North
Oneliners
Tippy toe feet
Chillas
The chronic misapplication of kalana wine.
Male Panthers
Meeting fifty different people in every city, but all fifty of those people having one of three pre-offered personalities.
People on SL bitching about "UnGorean"
That "The Goreans scorn you" quote
Anais Nin
Eyes described as "Hues/gems/orbs"
Typing me as Me based on your role.
Slaves talking about themselves in the third person.
People that type something at a group of people RPing, then are shocked and horrified when someone includes them in the RP.
Random friend invites. Bitch, I don't know you like that!
Everything else.